Thoughts on Smoking - A Reflection from 21/12/2014

Below is a detailed exploration of your thoughts on smoking as expressed in your entry from December 21, 2014, at 5:29:35 AM. Your reflections reveal a complex relationship with cigarettes, deeply intertwined with your experiences of trauma, societal delusion, and the ongoing struggle for justice and safety as a survivor of clergy abuse. I’ve organized your thoughts into key themes, providing a structured summary while preserving the emotional and intellectual depth of your words.

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1. Smoking as a Coping Mechanism for Trauma and Injustice

You articulate that smoking serves as a tool to manage the overwhelming emotions tied to living in a world that feels unpredictable and hostile, particularly due to the influence of religious authority figures. You write:

• Vulnerability to Religious Fantasies: "I use them at times for dealing with the fact that I live in a world that randomly leaves me vulnerable to the fantasies and fanatical whims of the religious, particularly those in positions of authority, community, health and education." Smoking helps you navigate the distress of encountering individuals whose beliefs can turn everyday interactions—workplaces, relationships, or legal engagements—into "toxic and life-threatening" situations.
• Suppression of Outrage: "I use them often to silence myself... to suppress the outrage I feel at times at the senseless nature of the abuses enforced onto children and the community." Cigarettes mute your anger at systemic failures, such as the denial of children’s rights to live free from toxic doctrines and the bigotry you’ve faced in law enforcement and public endeavors since childhood.
• Survival of Abuse: "I have used them in the past as a means of surviving the insanity of an enforced lifestyle and the insanity of childhood sexual abuse by Catholic clergy." You connect smoking to enduring the physical and psychological pain of abuse, as well as the broader "enforced lifestyle" of repression under Catholic influence, which you find harder to cope with than the abuse itself.

These insights suggest smoking is a deeply ingrained survival tactic, a way to momentarily escape or dull the pain of unresolved trauma and systemic injustice.

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2. The Mechanics of Smoking: Anxiety, Panic, and Reflection

You delve into the psychological and physiological triggers that drive your smoking habit, offering a nuanced analysis of how it intervenes in moments of distress:

• Calming Effect: "Theoretically the reduced oxygen uptake may have an immediate calming effect... quelling anxiety and panic." You describe a subconscious cycle where emotional tension prompts a breath, which morphs into the urge to smoke, prolonging a fleeting hesitation into a ritualized habit.
• Response to Unresolvable Issues: "Unresolved issues are a prime driver of the feeling or want to smoke... those feelings require suppression as there is or has been no solution over the entire period of your life." Smoking becomes a crutch when confronting "justice, equality, fairness"—issues that remain systemic and unaddressed, intensifying your need to suppress anger and panic.
• Risk Assessment: "Smoking can gain you a moment where your mind can assess the safety of your circumstance." You use the act of lighting and smoking as a pause to evaluate risks in a world where "people are sanctioned to kill, harm or impede you simply at the whim of their delusion."

This reflects a hypervigilant state—rooted in your life experiences—where smoking provides a temporary shield against the unpredictability of engaging with a deluded society.

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3. Social Anxiety and the Fear of Delusion

Your reflections highlight a pervasive anxiety about interacting with a world steeped in religious superstition, where your identity as a non-believer heightens the stakes:

• Fear of Delusional Encounters: "Anxiety and fear of encountering people in a state of delusion... knowing that you have to engage with what is effectively insanity causes you to want a moment to reflect before you make a move." Smoking offers a buffer before facing individuals whose beliefs could turn volatile if your non-belief is exposed.
• Public Reactions: "Stand at the top of the escalator and watch the response as people look up and take in what you are wearing... 1 in 20 or perhaps 1 in 50 get it." Your t-shirt campaign amplifies this anxiety, exposing you to a spectrum of reactions—some supportive, others threatening—reinforcing the constant risk of public engagement.
• No Safe Place: "There is no safe place anywhere that does not pose this risk - the risk is constant and ever present." This pervasive danger, instilled by a Catholic upbringing that monitored even your thoughts, drives your reliance on smoking as a way to cope with the absence of safety.

You imagine a hypothetical "safe place" where the "god delusion" is rare, reducing the need to assess risks and potentially diminishing your urge to smoke—a poignant reflection on how environment shapes your habit.

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4. Pain Management and Distraction

Beyond emotional regulation, smoking plays a physical role in your life, particularly in managing chronic pain tied to your abuse:

• Physical Pain: "A big amount of my smoking ritual or habit... is about that - more than I want to admit - physical pain... I think pain management is a primary aspect." You link this to injuries from childhood abuse, like the haunting pain that persists unlike other accidents, suggesting smoking distracts from or minimizes this discomfort.
• Distraction from Reality: "Smoking helps to keep us distracted from the reality of the insanity of our situation." It’s both a physical and mental reprieve, immersing you in a ritual that temporarily shifts focus from an intolerable world.

This dual role underscores smoking’s significance as a multifaceted tool for survival, addressing both the body and mind.

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5. Origins and Reinforcement of the Habit

You trace smoking back to specific traumatic experiences, revealing how it became embedded in your coping repertoire:

• Childhood Trauma: In an email to Sandy from 2010, you recall starting to smoke after being "tied up and hidden in the wood shed" at age six or seven. Nuns used cigarettes as a reward for compliance—silence and stillness—conditioning you to associate smoking with release from terror. "They would make me sit on the chopping block and be still and they would give me cigarettes until I promised to be quiet."
• Physical Sensation: "There appears to be a connection between smoking and the feeling in my legs - that feeling I look for when I first smoke in the morning or on waking up." This suggests a lingering physical cue from those early experiences, reinforcing the habit over decades.

This origin story illustrates how smoking was not a choice but a survival mechanism imposed by abusers, later adapted to new stressors.

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6. Desire to Rethink and Move Beyond

Despite its utility, you express a need to reconsider smoking’s role in your life, recognizing its limitations and the broader context that sustains it:

• Rethinking Coping: "I need to learn to rethink that... I need to rethink the effects that is having on me through the way I have learned to cope in the past." You acknowledge that smoking, while effective in the short term, may perpetuate a cycle you wish to break.
• A Safe Alternative: "In order to move beyond that circumstance requires a safe location, a satisfying engagement in a meaningful pursuit." You envision a life free from smoking tied to finding safety and purpose—conditions absent in a society "driven by fear and hatred and the exploitation of the vulnerable."
• Justice and Healing: "I look for incentives to quit and the signs that I feel I need are that the reality of the horror that we experienced gets to the people." Your smoking is linked to the Royal Commission’s failure to fully address survivors’ needs, suggesting that true justice might reduce your reliance on it.

This forward-looking perspective reveals a tension between dependence on smoking and a hope for a healthier, safer future.

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Conclusion

Your thoughts on smoking from December 21, 2014, paint a vivid picture of a habit born from trauma, reinforced by a hostile world, and sustained by the absence of safety and justice. Cigarettes are a lifeline—silencing outrage, managing pain, and providing moments of reflection in a society you perceive as deluded and dangerous. Yet, you recognize the need to rethink this coping mechanism, longing for a "safe place" where the risks of religious fanaticism fade, and meaningful engagement replaces the need to smoke. Your reflections are both a personal reckoning and a critique of a world that fails survivors, offering profound insight into the interplay of trauma, addiction, and resilience.

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