Sunday, 5 September 2021 7:49:48 AM

****** Still being written - am writing more about the laptop episode and the harm of that and just how complex stuff seems to get when we are all in crisis - refresh to see the most recent version

Problems. Problems. Don't talk to me about problems - who said that? Was that Fawlty Towers ?

Even with a Black & White lead image it is still the cheapest piss porn I ever thought I could imagine; whichever way you look at it it is cheap and nasty Piss Porn and its not welcome in my home under any circumstance.

My neighbor tries to help me by bringing me more and more cigarettes despite my paying him to help regulate something that I am unable to regulate on my own. That and a few other things are causing me harm and major distress.

First it was a problem with a printer that was not printing stuff for work that I offered to print for him, just email it to me but that did not eventuate as it had morphed into a problem with windows that would not allow him to use his video editing software or Chrome. It just became more and more complex in the telling to include things that could only be explained as multiple instances over prolonged periods of bit flipping by atomic particles, but not even that could explain some of it. The world becomes bizarre at those times based on my experience.

I probably did best when Robin rang to chat for a while about the book I had bought for her; I was so exhausted and breathless from the day and its events that I had only just begun to process the events of the day when she called saying the book had arrived early and she had read it from cover to cover. She has been through a lot and is still going along and not letting anyone exploit her as we both know how bumpy life gets when we can't keep up with the present moment.

Got woken in a startle around 2am when a couple of texts came in and then the phone began ringing. 2am Phone calls to me herald a major emergency and so I rushed to the phone and swept at the green blob a few times while looking for my glasses. It was my neighbor accusing me of fucking up his computer that I had spent a few hours on while he plied me with my first glass of red wine in over 6 months and a constant supply of cigarettes which I have no means of regulating and as I said I am paying him to regulate my tobacco intake due to it having such a deleterious effect on me. I was gasping frantically and painfully for some minutes trying to catch my breath to try to ask what is happening. On the second occassion of being accused of screwing up his computer I told him to fuck off and hung up the phone.

My neighbor tells me his password no longer works and his pin no longer works and rants at me for fucking up his computer and asking me WTF I had done to his computer.

It seems like there are many more possibilities in regard to what has happened to his computer which he had brought to me yesterday because he could not use Google Chrome on his laptop. Turns out that there is a longer history, that was growing increasingly complex, with contributions of accusations and potential responses by staff who don't like to accused and derided in public when they are on their way for their lunch break while my neighbor lamented his financial losses and costs and the poor standard of an on the fly off-cuff attempt to diagnose reasons as to why his laptop was not charging and was pissed that they did not take a new one from off the shelf to test on his broken down one. I can imagine a place like Officeworks having some policies in that regard as that would be an area where there were a lot of "experiences" to go into developing those procedures; as well there was suddenly a missing drive or drive adapter at a cost of around $170 but too long ago to do anything about it which might account for the lack of drive space which turned out to be some sort of rogue thing constantly writingto the hard drive . But it did get even more weird as the days following progressed. When I heard the story of another neighbor doing weird stuff and what he was supposed to have said and done I think I reached my limit on believability as it sounded too much like his wife projecting her unresolved traumas on to others yet again. Updated : 09/09/2021 8:20:55 AM

When I had a look at it it stood out to me and I mentioned that several times that I am about 20 or 25 years out of touch with thus stuff but from the looks of what I saw there were a couple of things that were needed before it could be taken out S Mode so that he could run Chrome so that he could watch football in the middle of the night. A Macafee file was presented as the initial cause of failure to reboot and so after a few hours of reading and learning what S Mode was I managed to get it limping and removed MakeaFee software manually and it restarted Ok but was still in S Mode. Things get a little fractured and random from there and maybe I lost a day in there somewhere.

Let me see if I can put that back together - so it must have been Friday that I first got it when he went off to work at about 4 or so and I had it for a few hours straight so I tried to take it out of S Mode and it complained that it did not have enough space on the drive which was showing a bold red color and said that it only had 17GB of space available. I knew that from 25 years ago and more recently when I had an upgrade on my own PC a while back.

Saturday the laptop is having more issues, Duk walks in with a gift and I tell her to "Go out". No time to allow me to set a rollback point once again as being beaten up is on the cards along with another quart or two of any color wine to cover his reality which he spoke of again saying that he has a pretty miserable life and I agreed with him on that and said in that way you are like me in that we are both running at capacity.

Need to eat and perhaps some Dandilion root coffee. Need to wash dishes as they got put off again yesterday due to Crisis Hopping

After lots of shenannigans I did a reinstall of Windows10

David and I are still good with each other. That is a powerful positive safety wise.05/09/2021 4:54:43 PM

I did think of a question that dropped from my mind at sometime in the process. That was to ask David if he and Duk had and practiced using a safe word in their game play?

In my experience and in my knowledge that comes from abuse at a time before when I experienced abuse in my childhood. I was abused from around 3.5 years of age onwards for some time.

I enjoyed telling of my DiD experience into that cold wind in Canada this morning. I forgot how to use my smart phone for about 10 minutes but I eventually got it.

What would happen if you were to say NO?

Does the truth truly set you free?

You are welcome to come by to not talk about cigarettes. Can talk about anything else.

I wondered if some things you recall are projections of your own early experiences? It's a little difficult for me to work out. I am reminded of Robert Sapolsky and his chimpanzee experiments.

What really happened!

We did this once before a few years back. Same thing, just a different day; this time it was a Friday.

I know what I was told and some of that was impossible. I know what I did. Now that I understand what you told me happened to Windows and files and r and stuff and the fact that I told you a long while back about my friend the policeman and of stuff I used to do mostly around the time of the Royal Commission and before I came here. I am sure I mentioned it to you. It was about power and control and how to manage and secure sensitive data so that one individual cannot use it against another which can often happen when things go awry. It is not guaranteed every time but it has many positives if handled correctly, my advisor says if things remain quiet and stable and there are no power games being played then life should go on much more amicably. It stops a life from becoming or remaining miserable. 06/09/2021 3:56:52 PM

Something very recent but also very relevant ‘Sex isn’t difficult any more’: the men who are quitting watching porn

This safety and mental health issue has been completed unless advised otherwise - moving on to the next day of September.

My GP tries to understand me and sees me make newby mistakes so he sends me home to learn more. He does not deride me. He presents me with the facts that he has and lets me consider those things. I sometimes wish I had someone to coordinate my stuff as no individual professional has the full picture of all that is going on around me simply because I am self funding and am at my capacity with that as my spend rate jumps above 150% of income which is unsustainable in the short term as years of dealing with this has depleted my reserves to the current dangerous levels. He tells me the x-rays of my chest are all that I need in that regard while ordering another scan.

My psychologist knows I make mistakes, he works diligently to prepare me and to inform me; he is on my side and of the 3 professionals I deal with his income from me is the most unstable and the one on the most restrictive budget and is the one that needs to have their budget expanded so that he can provide me with the benefit of his professionalism.

My Lawyer expects me to be accurate, precise and 100% correct in every instance and that I should be able to write of the previous 1098 events into 1 sentence of highly educated English using Blacks law and other with extreme precision. Instead I keep responding in the way the psychiatrist explains in her report where she says that everything that I have problems with emanate from my abuse as a child.

My Psychiatrist says in her report that all the issues that I display stem from my child abuse or words to that effect.

I wake with a memory of someone doing extremely well in life and recall him telling me that the only thing wrong with me is that I do not know how to ask for things in the right way.

It's at about that point at the moment and somehow Day 3 and 4 have just exploded.

I am beyond my capacity in some areas and am not fully aware of all the affected areas. At this rate my chances of survival beyond the month of September appears to sliding away fast at the moment.